Sunday, January 31, 2010

Warning: This post is painfully honest, read at your own risk

Shame

I’m sitting here in my craft room, absolutely overwhelmed (I could say just “whelmed” and it would mean the same thing, but you might think I was half asleep as well as overwhelmed if I wrote whelmed unless you, too, are a dictionary freak) with all of the fabric and other crafting supplies I’ve accumulated in the 22 months since I’ve lived in this house. Before moving here, I purged and purged, taking many, many loads of stuff to DI, selling some on Craigslist, and giving away a lot more. It felt good, cleansing, refreshing. Now I’m back at the point where my possessions are weighing me down, making me feel sluggish and depressed, shameful. At my worst moment, I wonder what is wrong with me that I keep buying fabric and various other craft things, always on sale of course (arghhhhhhh), far beyond what I’ve got the time to use; somewhere in my mind I live in a fantasy land where someday I will have all of the time and energy in the world to make all of the projects I have in mind, not to mention numerous duplicates of each project since I nearly always buy enough to make MANY iterations of the same thing. Today the excuse is that I can sell it on etsy; who knows what it will be tomorrow. The bottom line: I buy too much stuff.

I’m pretty sure the reason I buy too much stuff is fear that the day will come when I can’t buy what I want, so I’d better get it now while I can. The fear comes from a long period in my life where I didn’t have enough, where what I wanted or needed or even thought mattered little and where I felt I had no control, or very little, over the direction and circumstances of my life. Maybe in buying too much stuff, I’m thumbing my nose at that time in my life, saying, in essence, “I can have anything I want, so just back off.”  I think that also implies a measure of selfishness or self-will and self-pity also, of wanting to indulge myself since, poor me, I’ve had such a rough time.

Well, I’m here today to say, enough is enough!!! I’ve had it with the past directing my today and my future. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to live in fear of scarcity. I don’t want my possessions to drag me down, rather to enrich my life and the lives of others I love. So with that in mind, right now I’m going to get rid of fully half, if not more, of my fabric stash. And I pray to God that I can live in joy rather than fear and not rely on purchases of fabric and craft supplies for a temporary lift. Here’s to purging—hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!

PS: Let me know if you want any of the fabric I’m purging, free of course; the rest will go to DI.

8 comments:

Lori said...

Way to go on purging! You are amazing and I'm glad that your present is so much better than your past has been. Here's to your bright and amazing future and to letting us share some of it with you at work. And it's okay to feel sorry for oneself once in a while.
See you tomorrow.

Emily Call said...

I love this post Paula! Way to go. I should probably purge some of my craft stuff too... thanks for the inspiration.

Christy said...

Oh Oh! I want it! I'm not quite ready to purge yet, I'm still hording. Feel free to pass your fabrics on to me :) But like you, I have more ideas than I have time to execute!

Lauren said...

I am looking for more inspiration right now and you are always so inspiring so I thought I would stop by your blog...I have to say love your brutal honesty and I would also love some of your fabric :)

Tom and Joellyn Clark and family said...

Hmmmm- let's talk :)

Hey, don't feel bad. We all do it. I've been throwing away garbage bags full of stuff and still have way too much.

Laura W said...

Paula, we have been doing some purging, and I love it. And the DI loves us. ;) BUT fabric? Oooh, if you still have any, I'd love some. That is one thing I actually need to buy, not purge. :)

Lisa said...

I'm so glad I ran into your blog--you are always so inspiring.

I just got a sewing machine for Christmas, so if you still have some fabric, I'd love a bit.

Davis Family said...

I'm glad I don't live close enough to get any fabric bc I couldn't say no, but I'm too trying to purge. I checked out my fave book on clutter and am trying to "watch" myself as I clear stuff out the way I "watch" it on TV when others do it.